Oil May Bring Windfall to Gulf State Residents (After Wind Brings Oil to Gulf States)



Pessimists are saying that oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico is a bad thing. Others are learning that their glasses may actually soon be half full . . . of oil.

The National Hurricane Center is predicting a very busy hurricane season for the Atlantic Basin, an area that includes the Gulf of Mexico. Fifteen named tropical storms, of which four are expected to be Categories 3, 4 or 5 major hurricanes, are expected to hit the region.

In any other year, this would be an ominous prediction -- but combine it with the 4 million gallons of oil that have already found their way into the Gulf of Mexico plus the 200,000 gallons a day that are being added to the mix, and we should have, by the time that first major hurricane hits in July or August, what 43 would have called, “A Gusher!”

What are these hurricanes going to do? What BP has proven itself incapable of doing: The hurricanes are going to bring the oil out of the water, where it is doing all kinds of bad stuff -- like destroying fragile ecosystems such as the marshlands of Louisiana and the barrier islands of the Panhandle, wreaking untold havoc upon fish, shorebirds, and other wildlife, and causing billions of dollars in losses to the fishing and tourism industries of the Gulf States– and bring it onto the land, where we can put it to good use.

Left-leaning politicians are encouraging Gulf State residents to empty their pools so that they can fill them with the coming oil. “Residents of these states should prepare themselves with plenty of squeegees, sponges, mops and buckets,” said one official. “When those hurricanes begin to hit and that wind brings the oil ashore, it’s going to be all over the place. Residents will need to be prepared to clean the oil from the outsides of their houses, their cars, the streets, the trees – everywhere – and transport it back to a safe and secure storage area, such as their swimming pools, for future use.”

Florida Governor Charlie Christ (R), who recently announced that he will run as an Independent in the race for the Florida U.S. Senate seat, has pledged to back a growing effort to change the state’s nickname in anticipation of the coming oil. “I fully support the effort to change the State of Florida’s nickname to ‘The Slippy Slide State,’” Christ said in a recent interview. “And I envision a new theme park, as well.”

Analysts are predicting a major drop in gasoline demand for the area states, and some are even going so far as to forecast pocketed areas where gasoline will be selling for as little as 50 cents per gallon.

“Why will they come here anymore – for a five dollar jar of peanut butter?” cried one gas station owner. “They will just go outside in the morning, wipe the oil off their windshields with an old rag, and then wring it out into their gas tanks.”

While some, such as the A&E Network with its documentary that is currently in production, “The Day It Rained Oil,” are celebrating the oil reaching the hands of the people without any intermediaries, others are not so pleased with this turn of events.

“Anyone who uses free oil that they get from mopping their lanais or by any other means should be treated as a communist,” said one oil executive who wished to remain anonymous. “And not one of those communists who buys all of our bonds, T-bills and Treasury notes and uses lots of oil, like the Chinese. I’m talking about one of those communists who we don’t need for anything, like Castro.”

“We, as an industry,” added another executive, “have paid untold billions of dollars over the decades to figure out the most efficient way to pump that oil out of the earth and spill it into the Gulf of Mexico. If people think they are just going to steal our oil from their own rooftops, their children’s bicycles, and the fur of their pets after a big hurricane comes through and dumps it all over their neighborhoods, they’re in for a battle. We already have a proposal on its way to Congress to ensure that residents will return any oil retrieved from their properties to one of the Oil Reclamation Centers that we will set up across the Gulf States. Our proposal includes a $100 per month fee to the oil industry from each resident of the Gulf States to help cover our costs for setting up the Reclamation Centers, and a $1000 fine to any resident who unlawfully uses any of our oil that somehow finds its way onto their properties or into their communities. We think this is fair.”

One Alabama resident sees the events as serendipitous. “We should just release all oil directly into the Gulf,” he suggested, “and then get giant fans to blow it ashore year 'round. Then you know there’s always oil, whenever you need it, just outside your door.”

Perhaps the McCain/Palin ticket was for the little guy after all?

Drill, baby, drill . . .


Godspeed,
LJL


This post first appeared at The Parody Files


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